Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.

Life is fucking weird.
I have no idea how this is going to come out because I haven't written anything on here in to long so everything is swimming around my head.
It's interesting to try and set my thoughts straight.
And confusing as hell.
I can't stop listening To Secondhand Serenade.
Maybe it's because he says all these things that I wish I could get out myself.
Fuck.
It was probably the most powerful show I've ever been too.
Seeing John up there live.....it was like...so moving.
I actually almost started crying.
Won't lie.
I'm only stuck on certain songs though.
Vulnerable.
Your Call.
And Awake.
I'll listen to the other songs, but any time I listen to those three songs I get this pulling feeling in my chest.
Especially with Vulnerable.
It's this crazy feeling.
My heartbeats when I listen to it and it fucking hurts.
It feels like it's slamming against my chest.
It makes me realize that I'm still alive.
And my body's screaming for me to make the most of it.
I feel like I'm about to fall into the same trap as always.
I don't want a repeat of last time.
But I can feel it coming.
No one understands how I get honestly.
Never tell me someone has an interest in me.
No matter how small it is.
As much as I love the feeling of someone actually thinking about me I can't deal with it.
It's never something I'll be used to.
I'm used to being the one doing the interest taking.
I don't think I can deal with being on the other side of it.
It's to different.
I'm to afraid of getting hurt.
And I know that if I let myself get addicted like I always do I'll self destruct.
I'm not cut out for relationships.
No matter how much I "deserve it."
It's just not something my brain can process.
No matter how much I wish it could.
I could vow right now to not let myself get involved.
But I'd break it in a moment.
No one close enough wants me.
No one I can see on regular basis.
And apparently only people who it'd be illegal with.
Fuck the law.
I'm old enough to make my own decisions.
I'm slightly compulsive.
And a little bit off kilter.
At least that's what you want me to think.
I have this fear of spending the rest of my life alone.
But it's gotten to the point where I'm to afraid to put myself out there anymore.
I'm to young to know what this kind of hurt is.
I shouldn't fear something like love.
But it's just always been so out of reach that it's hard not to.
I don't understand this.
I'm finally getting chances for everything I've ever wanted, but I don't really want to go for it.
I guess getting hurt a lot really does take it's toll on a young heart.